I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
