I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome