last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss