as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
my liver is dry heaving
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.