All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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