There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
