from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
