Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
