My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You took a bar mat shot.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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