guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
