You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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