somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
