last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
