fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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