I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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