i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
