11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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