so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
And then he peed in my hair
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