Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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