I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
