my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
