my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
