She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
