Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
