I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
