I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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