I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
