she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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