his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
