Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.