Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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