Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
