i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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