I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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