If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
