there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
