As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
