just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
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All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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