you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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