someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
time to smoke my breakfast
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
