Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
