Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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