Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
