my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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