I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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