Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
