Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
