Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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