mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
