ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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