there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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