I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
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do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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