I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
