When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
farters have to be the big spoon...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
