history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
