i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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