Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
