he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
