The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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