Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
