I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
