If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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